Trickster

“They are taking a piss, mate!”. My friend FaceTimes me, complaining about her pastry order. Beautiful layout for a food photo, pink Sambas, and a cute little bag. Pain au chocolat, spinach-feta swirl, and a lemon tarte are the ones to blame. “Can you believe they charged 18 dollars for these?” As I am calculating whether or not I want to start this conversation, I quickly remind myself that three pastries from a good boulangerie back home will cost me just as much, if not more. 18 dollars, or 11 euros, is more than enough to find a variety of snacks, lunch deals, or an occasional cheeky sushi (a culture of its own). While having one of the most unaffordable housing markets in the world, Melbourne has a variety of affordable food to offer. You can truly have it all - from amazing Afghan restaurants of West Melbourne and yum chas scattered around the CBD to a wide selection of fresh produce in various markets. 

Coffee culture in Melbourne deserves its own paragraph. Do you know that the third-wave coffee culture started in Melbourne? The city even has drinks that are emblematic of its own. Ever heard of magic? Not the Disney one, but the one you get on a sunny morning. A Magic is a double ristretto topped with steamed milk. To put it shortly, a stronger flat white. Most cafes will serve it for around 5 dollars (3 euros). One of my favorite places is a tiny store near Queen Victoria Market - a bakery where I can get a fresh burek for as little as 5 Australian dollars (3 euros). Best Chinese? Box HIll. Fresh, cheap Vietnamese banh mi? Head west, to Footscray when a banh mi, filled to the brim with juicy crispy pork and coriander. Iced Vietnamese coffee on the side, of course. The total? Mere 12 dollars (7.3 euros) - an unheard price back home. Five million people and myriads of nationalities bring all the flavors at different prices. It's a true feast for an epicurean.

One of the most annoying stereotypes I hear today is that Australia is a tropical country. Not only is this simply untrue, but Aussies' relationship with winter reminds me of Stockholm syndrome. Winters in Melbourne are cold. Very cold. Nasty, uncomfortable, freezing mornings that get under your skin. Did you know that, according to multiple studies, Australian homes are one of the coldest in the world, with temperatures well below 18 °C, which is the World Health Organization’s recommended minimum? In comparison, wintertime indoor temperatures in Finland are typically between 20 °C and 24 °C, while the average in Greenland is 21.8 °C. Despite that, Aussies remain stoic, buy questionable clothes they call “oodies” and deny investing in heaters. I guess you can’t have it all, after all. 

While it indeed sounds like a challenge, I truly believe that this city has it all. Melbourne proudly calls itself the sporting capital of Australia. Some of the world's biggest sports events are happening here, and Melburnians are not shying away from reminding other Australian cities that they are the chosen ones. The event calendar is truly, utterly insane. Something is always on - the Australian Open in January, followed by the Formula One Grand Prix in March. Right after that - AFL season, or, as Australians call it - footy. Australian Rules Football is the nation's pride and joy. Whether you’re into sports or not (I’m the latter), eventually, you will choose your vice. Especially if you’re not used to it. Go Pies!

City strolls are not for you? Not an issue. Rent a car (or take a train) and explore places like Philipp Island, where you can hand-feed kangaroos and see penguins in their natural habitat. In 2023, an estimated population of these creatures will be near 40,000 species! My favorite pastime on a Saturday is something my friends call “SouthMelbouring.” I start my day by having coffee in one of many cafes near the South Melbourne Market (Code Black is my favorite). One bacon and egg muffin, one long black. After that, I will stroll through countless market stalls and eventually end up by the oyster section, where a few oysters and a glass of champagne won't break the bank. 

What is the most important landmark I have to visit in Melbourne?  Eeeh… This dialogue happens every time someone is paying a visit. Architecture is not Melbourne’s strongest asset. Interested in historical sites and Victorian architecture? Perhaps you would be better off checking other destinations to cure your hunger for beauty. While beauty is subjective, there aren’t many places for an aesthetic feast. If you’re coming from a city with beautiful medieval architecture, it might leave you craving for more, a bit understimulated, and a tad bit disappointed. The culture of the city heavily relies on its lifestyle. Most likely, You won’t come to the city to visit the National Gallery of Victoria or the State Library. To be honest, you didn’t even know they existed before having an idea of visiting Australia.

Some younger Australians love to draw parallels between Berlin and Melbourne. Melbourne feels like a younger, more naive and palatable version of Germany’s capital. It’s not so rough on the edges, but it still packs a punch. Melburnians are proud of their creativity and open spirit, which makes Melbourne, ahem, Melbourne. 

After all, the city feels like a scruffy teenager. Full of potential and great ideas, but struggling with execution. It makes you look at things with more patience. Is the city really this ugly or it’s just that I haven't had my breakfast? Sometimes this city truly sucks. Some cafes don't have bathrooms; a hook turn exists (if you’re a driver, please don’t Google it), and housing is the most unaffordable it has ever been. The weather changes four times a day, and places close at 3 pm.

But still, I´m sure that If Melbourne was located closer to the rest of the world, it would definitely be everyone’s favorite city getaway. While you may go to Paris to marvel at the Pinault Collection or find yourself in between the little streets of Marais, you come to Melbourne to…just be. It has no city-defying landmark, no Eiffel Tower or Big Ben. Its best landmark is the way it makes you feel. Melbourne is a character that busts the door open while you’re still hungover from yesterday, jumps on your bed, and lists 30 things you can do over the weekend.

Keep it up with Vlad via his Instagram https://www.instagram.com/vladmatsnev/?hl=en